Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Fear & Loathing in Los Angeles

I am sitting here today attempting to write this blog. I make no excuses, life is simply happening at full speed all around me. Back to school, back to life back to reality… Problem is, I didn’t know I had left.

Summer, I realize, is a mind, body experience. It was like a Calgon moment on steroids that took me away with out me ever knowing it. Now I am faced with the paralyzing notion that I don’t want to go back!

Come back from where? It wasn’t as if I didn’t work and took the summer off.  In fact, I worked most days, I finished my next book, I took care of my family, traveled a bit, visited some relatives, got a haircut and so on and so on and so on… I’m exhausted; one may think I would welcome the back to school bonanza.

However, I did not drink the kool aid and the last month has been both an eternity and a flash.

I have questioned it all; my work, my goals, my geographical location, school, friends, life, love and pursuit of happiness.

On the ride to school today, I noticed a billboard for Allstate Insurance.
It sent my brain into overdrive. Life insurance… wills… time… I am mortal and not immune. It read…

“The butterflies you are feeling should be from love not fear.”

Talk about a wake up call.

I realized at that moment that I was filled with butterflies from fear not love. It was fear that was paralyzing me. Fear of transitions and finding balance and no more escapism…OH MY! What has happened to me?

The vortex of LA has finally got the best of me. It has sucked me in, spit me out and here I sit at the corner of how did I get here and where am I going next?

I was never scared of anything.
And then I had kids.

Why does it have to change? Better question to pose at myself… How did I let it change?


I don’t want to deal!  With any of it…

Somehow the responsibility of it all has just gotten the best of me and I feel worn out.

The words of Hunter S. Thompson ring in my ears,

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

Somehow his words comfort me. They give me a pat on the back and assure me I am supposed to be worn out. I’m doing just fine and exactly where I should be.

“Give yourself a break Kimberly” I hear being yelled at me. Was that Hunter? No not really just my inner-self attempting to move on from my momentary lapse in consciousness. However, I think he would say to me, “Who is the happier woman, she who has braved the storm of life and lived or she who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?”

Thank you for your words Hunter.  Here comes the happiness and the butterflies from love people because I am braving the storm of life. Bring it on!