Monday, April 8, 2013

Revival of the Fittest

Revival of the fittest…

Yes, I know Darwin said survival, but I have recently come to the conclusion that the survival thing is not working for me.  It is all about revival.

Since I wrote the words ‘revival of the fittest’ a week ago, I have not stopped thinking about what they mean to me.

For so long I have been in survival mode without even realizing it. Getting thru it…Powering through it…All of it…Life, Love & the Pursuit of Happiness…

When it was just me, all I did was work on me…or so I thought…

Then I became a mom. Talk about growing up! Everyday something triggers an old belief; an old pattern…the survivor goes along with it because it is familiar…safe.

The thing is, the revivor changes it! The tricky thing about the survivor…it makes me think I’m doing great…happy, healthy…getting it all done.

At whose expense I ask? Everyone’s, including my wild woman within? It’s been a long time sister.
I have said it before… and I will say it again, “being a mom is hard!”

Clarissa Este’s words recite themselves over and over again in my ‘no vacancy’ brain:

“We are filled with a longing for the wild. There are few culturally antidotes for this yearning. We were taught to feel shame for such a desire. We grew our hair long and used it to hide our feelings. But the shadow of Wild Woman still lurks behind us during our days and in our nights. No matter where we are, the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed.”

I feel that shadow is upon me!

Every day that passes is not only a parenting 101 class for my so-called life as a mom, but a graduate course in me.
Bottom line is, I am learning daily. As I venture out of survival mode and into revival mode, I realize that how I have been doing things is not how I want to be doing things.

As I watch my three little ladies navigating this big badass world, I find myself as survivor, telling them things from my experience instead of allowing them to experience their own. And I thought I was already doing that…being the aware, done a lot of work on myself woman.

Why is it so hard, to step back and allow them to become who they are? Probably because somewhere along the line, that’s what someone did to me. Time to reprogram…yet again.

No wonder I am feeling that wild woman reeling.
Broken bones, traveling husband, too much work, trying to balance, parents and siblings and children…oh my! All those things trapped me into survival mode and in turn stifled my true self.

“Estes says, “a healthy woman is much like a wolf: robust, chock-full, strong life force, life-giving, territorially aware, inventive, loyal…when women’s lives are in stasis. It is time for the wildish women to emerge”
I have been questioning my intuition…I am exhausted…I feel stuck…

Bring on the wild woman.

I need to be revived.

I try to remember when I lost touch with myself, but I can’t. It doesn’t matter, as long as I can reconnect with my wild child/woman/true self/revivor.

I hear my girls fighting in the distance…

Can’t they just get along? My instinct is to go break it up.

I pause, I remember the stewardess last night telling me how well behaved they were on the westbound red-eye. The stewardess also reminded me, “in case of emergency, put your mask on first…then your kids…” I know…I must take care of me, before I can take care of anyone else.

It’s all-quiet on the child front…

What would the mama wolf do?

Go hunt for food?

I could go to the garden…better yet, I hear a Korean spa calling my name.